My mum and brother were in the middle of an argument when I reached home. He was essentially accusing her of mistreating Ricky, who apparently had a bad fall this morning, hadn't been able to walk properly and was refusing food. My mum, on the other hand, got all worked up and accused us of caring for the dog more than we did for her. Completely upset with the state of affairs and anxious over Ricky, I felt so lost for a moment and just wanted to avoid all three of them. In the heat of the moment, my mum was ignoring me, too. When I'd finally gathered my composure, I worked with my brother to attend to Ricky and put him to bed. He was calm by the time we were done with Ricky.

'Show more care for your mum,' PJ told me as I cried into the phone. It's hard, I told him, because it's not in our family to show care and concern. But as it turns out, it was not that hard. After I took my dinner, I approached my mum who was sitting by the fridge. 'Finish the peaches! It's taking up space in the fridge,' she snapped at me. Normally, I would have walked away without a word. But tonight, I meekly said okay and took the peaches. Then, I pretended to read the papers in front of her while she was watching the news. And that's when she started talking and telling me what exactly happened today; how much pain she had to go through to take care of Ricky; how angry she was with the words flung carelessly at her; how we should just put Ricky to sleep etc etc. I didn't speak, for fear of saying the wrong things even though I was pretty upset with what I was hearing. But once she got everything out of her system, we started discussing the rather ridiculous but curious tale of the oracular octopus of Oberhausen. And that's when I knew she was all right already.

She had just visited the doctor for her regular check-up today and I had only just found out. From her point of view, I can see why she thinks we care more about Ricky than her. We came home, got all concerned about Ricky and did not once ask about her day. So I made a deliberate effort of asking about her check-up and getting her to talk to me about it. I guessed that helped to soothe her further...

Sometimes we take it for granted that our parents will always be the one caring for and taking care of us. Sometimes we forget that they are just like us - they get tired, grumpy, emotional and seek care and affection; and need a listening ear, too. Sometimes we just need to have a role reversal and take care of them, too.

Taking Flight

I don't want to fight anymore.

And I think I can finally walk away with my head held high.

Take flight.

Once you want it to begin,

No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

What A Difference A Day Makes...

... and the difference is you.

:)

A Winter's Tale

I will always remember.

Because that represented all that we could have been; all that we actually were; and all that we couldn't possibly have been.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story

Happy Birthday to ME! :)

After almost an entire week of continuous feasting (steamboat, ma maison, kyoto, brotzeit, mondo mio), it culminated at Absinthe with king prawns with chorizo and pine nuts, pork belly, rabbit leg, seabass with warm soba, white wine, coffee and this:

No pictures so I drew this from memory

I am BELLY happy and very happy.

:)

Lilac is the colour of bliss

Not my colour.

Not my style.

But because my mummy bought this as my birthday present, I will wear it.

:)

2 years on

What a ride it has been.

And through it all, I am glad to have 2 friends who are actually supportive of it, regardless how precarious or doomed the situation is.

Thank you c & y for your irrational faith and support.

In the year ahead, I would like to...

1) Practice empathic listening. Avoid autobiographical responses. Diagnose before I prescribe.

This is from one of the priorities I set after my 7-habits course. How many times have I appeared to be listening, but really I have drifted off; or am listening in order to respond or give my own advice; or judge base on my own experiences or motives? Empathic listening is perhaps one of the hardest to achieve.

2) Write more

3) Take good pictures.

For that, I will be signing up for basic digital photography lessons this year. Know my equipment before I can express through my lenses.

4) Read more

5) Love more

Cheers to a brand new year. May our lives be filled with laughter and love. :)

The Big Zero

Paul Krugman called the decade past the Big Zero. Zero job creation. Zero economic gains. Zero gains for homeowners. Zero gain for stocks.

"It was a decade in which nothing good happened, and none of the optimistic things we were supposed to believe turned out to be true."

Zero. That's 2009 for me. It is perhaps the most uneventful eventful year. An oxymoron. Many things happened, but nothing really happened.

I started the year convinced that I was going away; to a fresh new beginning. But less than halfway into the year, I realised it was not meant to be. For so many reasons, I couldn't and didn't want to. And so I left and returned to where I'd started - HR. Full circle. Instead of being the good little grateful officer that I was supposed to be, I had to send in my application for another job (overseas again) and caused quite a little disturbance with the superiors; only to realise I had sent the application to the wrong email address... "It was God's way of telling me that it's not time yet," I told my boss. And so the days passed by peacefully again.

On the dating scene, I tried dating a few guys. Rather hi-po (for the uninitiated, it stands for high potential in public sector speak) ones, I had imagined. Guys that I thought were charming, funny and/or nice. And I actually kinda liked them. BUT. You all know my funny horror stories. I am a magnet for strange, sad guys... Twice, I tried to walk out of this current situation. I cried my heart out and actually felt my heart aching and was convinced I had to move on. Yet each time, I fall right back in and here I am, still in status quo.

But if I could do everything all over again, I would because each one teaches me a valuable lesson. The former painful stint made me cherish my job and realise what I am good at. The current situation is teaching me... whatever that I need to learn.

Of course, 2009 was not a complete zero lah. I completed my first mini-marathon (10K haha!), started learning guitar (I am so giving up soon...), committed myself to photography (new body + lessons next yr!), stayed committed to yoga, spent more time at home (housework on Saturday mornings, time with Ricky), went for 2 entirely spontaneous trips (Bangkok and London), found out that I could handle 75% alcohol, found out that I COULD NOT handle caipirinha (gives me a heart attack or allergic reaction), realised my true friends and that I am a terrible snorer (SHIT).

I guess 2009 was really a year of self-discovery. Realising just how much shit I could handle and/or internalise.

Cheers to that.

London, Winter 2009

London. heathrow. bicester village. shopping. paul smith. okonomiyaki. best coffee at vergnano. la cage aux folles. tower of london. snow. national gallery. child with a dove. national portrait gallery. soho. dim sum at yauatcha. gobbling. full english breakfast. st paul's cathedral. millennium bridge. gabriel's wharf. nutella and banana crepes. icing sugar. south bank. london eye. big ben. the ugliest palace in the world. harrods. sudoku. leaky nose. coffee discs. billy elliot. fortnum and mason. tea and more tea. a lunch time concert at st martin-in-the-fields. fish and chips. chez bruce. orgasmic appetisers. dashing back in the cold. dozing on the tube. bak kwa. bbc. four seasons. too fat and too yummy duck. delicious kopparberg. covent garden. chicago. indian food at punjab restaurant. bejeweled. marks & spencer crunchflakes. tube. conveyor belt sushi. paddington station. farewell.